


Hard Reboot

by TheFenrirGreyback



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Canon Gay Relationship, Depression, Destroy Ending, Disability, Friendship/Love, Gay Male Character, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Memory Loss, Other, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-07
Updated: 2017-02-01
Packaged: 2018-04-13 11:24:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4520070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheFenrirGreyback/pseuds/TheFenrirGreyback
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The crew of  the Normandy SR2 scramble to recover after crash-landing on a strange planet. With no way of knowing the fate of the rest of the galaxy and a damaged FTL drive, each of them has to come to terms with the fact that getting back to earth seems to be a task that will take weeks, if not months.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Hard Truth

Karin Chakwas had always prided herself on the top-notch medical skill she possessed. In her lifetime she had saved countless lives and even brought a few new ones into the world – until a few years ago she was thoroughly able to keep her personal life separate from her profession. Then she was asked to join the crew aboard the Normandy SR1 and everything changed. 

John Shepard was an unknown entity that vexed her beyond anything she’d ever experienced. He never once completely adhered to her specific instructions and he was always pushing her to be quicker in her application of medicine so that he would be able to ‘get back to it’, as he would always argue.   
Now though, she was at a loss. 

Modern Medicine had started to rely so heavily on technology that more traditional forms had gone amiss through the years; meaning that these past few hours had been hell for Dr. Chakwas. 

First she had to endure the constant turbulence which she had learnt to associate with ship – to –ship combat, and then she had to patch up Major Alenko and Liara T’Soni, owing to their field-mission to Earth alongside Commander Shepard. 

During all of this, though, she felt in her element and at her best.

Fixing a major artery ruptures in the upper leg and treating severe blows to the head was what she had been doing for most of her time as a Doctor in the Alliance Navy.   
Then they were fleeing from some sort of Electromagnetic Pulse sent out by the Crucible – EDI was busy explaining this to the crew when suddenly every single electric device on the SS Normandy SR2 shut down and the artificial gravity had been lost. 

Not long after that though, things got worse. 

The crew of the Normandy SR2 crash-landed on an unknown planet with no idea of their location or if the war was over – they were thrown back to basics; whether they liked it or not. 

**

Isolated on the Crew Deck, Dr Chakwas quickly set to work on manually opening the door to the med-bay – the Normandy seemed to have lost power completely, so she grabbed a torch from the emergency panel closest to her. 

“Does anyone need any assistance?” she called loudly. “Hello!?”

She heard another door being forced open and made her way there. 

“Over here, Doc!” she heard Garrus calling from where the door had opened. “Kaidan is passed out or something!”

She nodded, finally reaching the door. “Should’ve guessed that the Normandy wouldn’t be the only thing that powered down – I need to get inside, Garrus.” she spoke through the small slit he’d managed to get open.

“It’s stuck, Doc,” Garrus huffed, exerting his full strength on the door. 

Karin nodded. “Never mind, then,” she said quickly. “Is Kaidan still breathing?” 

She heard scuffling inside as Garrus went over to where Kaidan must’ve been lying. 

“He is,” Garrus said with more relief than he’d liked – he should’ve checked that first. “But they’re really shallow and quick breaths.”

“His body is in shock,” she explained. “L2 implants have a much larger dependency on their host than the engineers had hoped for – this isn’t uncommon in cases where the implant failed.” 

Behind her, other doors were scraping open. 

“Garrus, I’ll be right back – hit the door with something when Kaidan stops breathing,” 

She was gone before Garrus fully understood what she’d said. “Wait – when?  
!  
She stopped at the crew quarters first, where another group was just exiting the door. 

“Does anyone need assistance in there?” she asked quickly, not intending to stop and chat. 

“Negative, doctor,” one of the privates answered immediately. “We’re just a little bruised, is all.”

“Good,” she nodded. “I need help opening the starboard observation room -” 

The group immediately made their way to the door without any protest. Karin saw one of them limping badly and made a mental note to check on him as soon as the critical patients were taken care of. 

She reached Liara’s office and banged on the door. “Dr T’Soni!” 

Instead, though, she was greeted by Glyph. 

“Glyph! How -?” 

“Dr T’Soni is requesting help, Dr Chakwas -”

“Of course,” Karin consented and watched as Glyph went through the door. 

She immediately searched for the emergency release lever – marvelling at how Glyph had survived the wave when almost nothing else had. Finding the lever without any difficulty, she pried the door open, grateful that it was not obstructed. 

“Liara!” she called when she entered the room. 

“Over here, Dr Chakwas,” Glyph said calmly, his presence illuminating the room in a ghostly shade of blue. 

“Oh God, Liara!” she called, seeing that the brackets holding her monitors to the wall had come loose. 

“I’m fine, Karin,” Liara said, her voice sounding laboured. “The electric current from the monitors just keeps -” her voice cut off and she convulsed. 

Karin nodded once again. “Glyph,” she said with authority. “I need you to find a way to cut the power to this room – and possibly revert it to the medical bay.” 

“At once, Doctor,” and the drone disappeared. 

“Liara, I won’t be able to lift the monitors alone,”

“What do you need me to do,” Liara huffed. “My biotic abilities seem to have been disabled -”

“Direct electric interference is messing with your thought processes – once the power is cut off, your abilities should be back under your control.” 

The sparks that were emitting from the monitors stopped then, and Karin gripped hold of the metal frame connected to the monitors. 

Liara focused all of her energy on accessing her biotics – for the first time in her life struggling to do exactly that. She felt the weight of the monitors lessening slightly. 

“Come on!” she shouted at herself in frustration. 

Dr Chakwas’ arms and legs were shaking badly from exertion. 

A feint purple glow flickered over Liara’s skin. 

“Any time now, Liara,” Karin desperately called. 

Liara pressed against the wall that seemed to be keeping her from her abilities – feeling it start to shatter. 

“Can’t – hold – much -” Karin huffed. She then heard the sound that made her stomach drop and the weight of the monitors seemed to double. 

Garrus was hitting the door of the room he and Kaidan was trapped in. 

“Doctor Chakwas!” A digitalised voice gasped from behind her. 

Tali had climbed up through the emergency access ladders from engineering. 

The Quarian immediately grabbed onto the metal frame and pulled with all of her might.

Liara felt the weight of the monitors lift off of her and crawled towards the door as fast as she was able. 

“Liara!” Dr Chakwas sighed heavily and she and Tali let the monitors crash to the floor again. 

“I’m sorry, Karin – the crash rattled me worse than I’d initially thought – my biotics have never failed me before -”

“You have to keep trying, Liara – Kaidan is dying and we need you to open the door – Tali, could you see if you can restore power to my medical equipment, we’ll need more than an emergency field kit, I’m afraid.” Karin said and she briskly walked back to where the few crew members were trying to open the door between her and Kaidan. 

Tali, in the meantime made her way to the medical bay – Glyph had succeeded in reverting power to the room and the lights were burning dimly. 

“Heave!!!” Garrus shouted through the door not too far away, and the men and women pulled with all of their might, only succeeding in making the panel groan in protest. 

“Garrus – do you know how to administer resuscitation to a human?” Dr Chakwas called over the commotion, not seeing another option. 

“They squish too easily, Doc,” Garrus called back, after seriously considering the request. 

“It may be our last resort,” Karin said, feeling the weight of what she’d said settling over her. “I’ll talk you through it.”

“Stand back,” Liara said calmly.

The group complied immediately and allowed the glowing Asari to walk towards the door. 

“Garrus, are you and Kaidan close to the door?” She asked, too serene to be comforting. 

“Uh,” they heard scuffling for a few seconds. “Not anymore!” 

“Good,” she lifted her arm up and pictured millions of particles forming an expanding ball of energy in the space between the doors. The doors seemed hesitant at first, but Liara forced particles where there was space for none – the opening widened. 

“How is the door opening without moving?” one of the crew members asked another. 

“The metal seems to be folding in on itself,” the other replied in awe. 

Karin snapped out of her state of awe. “We need to see if other members aboard the ship are injured on the other levels,” she stated, and the group of soldiers divided immediately, heading to the other floors via ladders and emergency shafts. 

“There,” Liara said whilst her glowing subsided – there was a round gap in between the doors – which looked like two crumpled papers against the walls. 

“Back here!” Garrus called frantically – something that surprised Liara, seeing as he was always so cool and calculated whilst in a situation of panic. 

“Garrus,” Dr Chakwas addressed him once again with authority in her voice. “We need to get Kaidan to the Infirmary.” 

Garrus nodded and picked Kaidan up like he was a bag of flour. “You have to save him, Doc,” he told Dr Chakwas. “He can’t die.” 

“He’ll be fine,” Liara said softly, putting her hand on Garrus’ arm softly. “Would you go and check if anyone needs any help on any of the other decks?” 

Garrus shot one last look at the doctor, who was frantically pulling out drawers and pulling open cupboards in search of medical supplies and walked out of the room.  
“I thought that Tali was in here,” Liara said more as a question. 

“I’m back here!” Tali called from the AI core. “Manually enabling emergency power – now.” 

There was a loud grinding noise followed by a calmer hum coming from the emergency generators. 

“Thank you, Tali,” Dr Chakwas called and walked over to where Kaidan was lying very still on the bed. She pressed a button on the bed he was lying on and a holographic screen popped up. 

“Initiating heart restart procedure – please avoid any contact with patient,” a digital voice announced and Kaidan’s body arched on the table. 

Tali’s hands flew up to where her mouth would’ve been if she wasn’t wearing a mask. 

“Administering Adrenaline,”

Dr Chakwas’ face displayed no emotion, only her years of experience could be seen taking control – her hands flying over consoles, barely pausing between actions. 

“His primary functions are fine, vitals reverting to normal,” Karin announced, taking a breath. 

“What caused all of this?” Liara asked quickly. 

Dr Chakwas sighed. “Kaidan’s L2 implants, I’m afraid.” 

“Did they short out?” Tali asked, as if she was asking about a difficult mathematical question. “Forgive my bluntness -” she continued. “But that’s what happened to my suit – luckily I was able to enable my analogue power before I ran out of breathable air.”

Dr Chakwas nodded. “The symptoms are all pointing to it.” 

“Will he be alright?” Liara asked – sincerely hoping for a nod. 

Dr Chakwas obliged to her wish and nodded. “I want to keep his implants offline until we have the appropriate medical technology at our disposal – but I don’t see why it would be a problem so long as he’s breathing.”

“Thank the Goddess,” Liara breathed out heavily and sat down on the open bed next to Kaidan’s.

Tali started fidgeting with one of the ports on her suit – she needed something else to occupy her thoughts. She looked at the door to the AI core and tilted her head sideways. 

“EDI?” she tried – no response. 

“Why hasn’t she rebooted?” Liara asked. “The emergency power has been on for a few minutes now.”

“Must’ve been whatever hit the ship – I’ll go and have a look.” Tali said and walked into the other room briskly. She made her way to the main console and waved her hand over the sensor which usually then displayed the keyboard.

“Let’s see what’s going on down here,” she said and sat down in front of one of the CPU units, opening the panel. 

“Blown fuses,” she concluded. “I’ll have you up and walking around in no time.” 

The quarian set to work – changing fuses and bypassing non-critical systems. 

“Joker – you owe me a drink,” Tali said after what seemed to be hours and she hit the manual reboot button next to the main CPU. 

The screen above her flickered to life. 

“Enhanced Defence Intelligence suite booting,” came EDI’s voice over the room’s intercom. 

“That’s a new one,” Tali said, cocking her head sideways. It was EDI’s voice, alright, but that’s where the similarities stopped. It was as if it was a brand new computer that was being started for the first time. 

The screen was consumed by multiple diagnostics and process bars that kept track of the installing software. 

“What’s going on, EDI?” Tali asked to the screen, knowing that she wouldn’t get a reply yet. 

Then the screen was a clear orange colour, displaying ‘EDI’ on the background. 

“I am this vessel’s Enhanced Defence intelligence – How may I be of service?”

“Keelah,” Tali exclaimed, feeling her shoulders drop.


	2. Takeoff

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Still jarred and worried, the crew of the Normandy SR2 manages to reinstate some of their beloved ship's major functions - the crew, though, still limps from the unknown fate of their captain.

“Ah! Easy!” Joker gasped as Dr Chakwas manually splinted his broken tibia in the med bay. “I’m brittle, remember, Doc?”

Karin gave him a withering look. “If you’d have been taking your medicine as you should have been-” she secured the brace’s straps with a huff. “You could’ve avoided the pain, Joker.”

“Always with the disapproving tone,” Joker chuckled hoarsely. “Have any of you heard anything from or seen EDI?”

Dr Chakwas’ hands froze momentarily, but she forced herself to continue working. Liara and Garrus were sharing an awkward look – Tali wrung her hands nervously beside Garrus.

“There’s no easy way to tell you this, Joker,” Tali said slowly. “Judging by the state of the Normandy’s electronic interfaces and systems – the blast that was emitted by the Crucible practically obliterated any tech it came into contact with.”

Joker’s face went blank – the blood drained quickly and his mouth opened and closed silently.

“Tell him,” Liara said softly.

“There’s more?” Joker almost whispered.

Tali nodded silently, and cleared her throat – not something Quarians had to do, really, but apparently spending so much time with humans had taught her a few unnecessary habits.

“I have succeeded in rebooting the AI core – well most of it anyway -”

“Oh my God,” Joker exhaled in relief, a bright smile lighting up his face. “You had me worried sick there for a – ah!” he jolted with pain as Dr Chakwas tried bending his elbow. She shook her head and typed something into the bed’s interface.

_Administering selected Micro-Organisms_ the mechanical voice announced and Joker frowned.

“I’ve always hated these beds,” he said to no one in particular. “They always sound so calm when they -”

“A test group decided to remove the emotive aspect of the VI’s voice once installed – some species prefer the calm of a mechanical voice rather than the sympathetic views of a chatty VI.”

“Thanks, I guess?” Joker said to Liara after her explanation. “Now I know where beds come from...” he chuckled.

“Anyway,” Tali interrupted. “EDI doesn’t have the ability to remember anything, Joker.”

Joker rolled his eyes. “That’s impossible – she’s -”

“She’s synthetic, Joker,” Liara said calmly, her eyes narrowing with pity.

“I don’t -” Joker shook his head in confusion. “What does – she has amnesia?”

Tali rubbed the front of her mask – a gesture that had always been strange to experience by other people, since she wasn’t able to actually touch her face without the risk of getting infected.

“I believe that EDI’s main storage hard drive was damaged by what was essentially a massive EMP,” Tali said quickly. “With the limited resources at my disposal – the best I can do is to restore her to her shackled state and to let her help with repairs at a minimal capacity.”

“How is all of this possible?” Joker asked sadly. “She – changed her programming, or whatever.”

“I know that this is hard, Jeff,” Dr Chakwas said and lay her hand on his forearm that was shaking badly, though she knew that it was mostly due to the micro organisms repairing his elbow joint.

“It’s not permanent, though?” Joker asked meekly.

Garrus felt odd at seeing Jeff so – humourless. He was always the one who made inappropriate jokes at the strangest of times.

“Not necessarily,” Tali said, still wringing her hands. Garrus put his hand on the small of her back for some reassurance. “There is also a possibility that she could repair herself, once rebooted, of course.”

“My vote doesn’t count, then,” Joker sighed. 

“Not at all, Jeff,” Liara shook her head. “You are the closest thing EDI had to – well, any semblance to a next of kin.”

“But if she doesn’t remember me – that doesn’t count, now does it?” Joker chuckled humourlessly. “For what it’s worth – I trust EDI complacently. I say we reboot her without the shackles.”

“I second that,” Kaidan groaned from the bed beside Joker.

“Kaidan!” Liara exclaimed and rushed to his side with the rest of the group. Garrus took Tali’s hand automatically – which brought a smile to her covered face.  Though she was swimming in antibiotics due to her suit’s momentary lapse of power, she couldn’t be happier.

“I take a nap for five seconds and the whole damn ship falls apart,” he chuckled. Taking in the tired faces of the people around him.

“We’re all glad that you’re alright, Major,” Garrus said from behind Dr Chakwas, who was entering something on Kaidan’s bed’s holo-terminal. “If you died – Shepard would’ve killed us.”

“He’s alright, then?” Kaidan smiled. “Probably barking orders at someone as we speak.”

“We’re not sure of his current status,” Liara said stiffly for the first time since she’d crawled from under the wreckage that was her room.

“Right,” Kaidan chuckled, rubbing his eyes. “EMP?”

“You heard correctly,” Tali said in her heavy accent. “No contact with anyone so far.”

“Well, we’d better get EDI online, if we want to do so any time soon,” Engineer Adams said from the door of the Med Bay. “I’ve reviewed the situation – and I suggest that we try to repair as much of the AI core as possible before turning on an essentially new-born Artificial Intelligence.”

The crew relished at chance to do something other than stand around making small-talk.

Dr Chakwas informed Kaidan of his lack of Biotics – something she’d expected much more of a reaction to, though Kaidan merely nodded and thanked her for helping him.

He waited until she left the med bay before his own little mental breakdown, though, and as soon as she was out of the door he’d pulled his knees up to his chin and was taking short and panicked breaths.

_He’s okay – Shepard’s okay._

He kept repeating this to himself until he was able to mask his panic efficiently. He wondered if his L2 was the reason for his uncontrollable mood swings – but the worry was accompanied by an indescribable pain in the area where his heart was, which did nothing to stop his worry.

But, as any well trained biotic would be able to tell you – mastering the control over one’s emotions is the first rudimentary step of resuming normalcy, so he forced himself up from his pitiable heap and volunteered to inspect the outer damage to the Normandy alongside James and Joker, of which the latter seemed much too restless.

In the meantime, the Normandy’s engineering crew had been working non-stop on EDI’s, well, brain.

Entire circuits had been scorched and countless data had been lost, but when Tali hit the reboot button again, EDI set to work reconstructing the Normandy’s virtual architecture.  The crew felt the Mass Effect core begin to hum not ten minutes after EDI had greeted them all much too formally and introduced herself once or twice in what could only be recognised as gibberish.

Joker kept to himself mostly, though EDI was insistent on being able to communicate with him at all times.

*

_“EDI has given us the all clear – we’re ready for manual takeoff. All hands to your stations and non-essential personnel please strap in. We have no idea if this’ll work properly, so be ready for anything, people.”_

The crew nodded to themselves and hustled to their stations.

_“Departments sound off,”_ Joker said over the ship-wide intercom.

_“Engineering is green.”_ Engineer Adams replied.

_“Physical Offence ready,”_ Garrus droned lazily.

_“Virtual systems are responding adequately,”_ EDI followed.

_“Here we go,”_ Joker said and the vertical thrusters initiated, lifting the Normandy far above the Forest-Planet’s tree line. _“And we’re off.”_

The Normandy’s forward thrusters buzzed to life and its crew felt the nauseating feeling of vertigo before the inertial dampeners kicked in and the tell-tale sensation of artificial gravity vibrated through their legs and they heard the engines settle into a less laboured hum which indicated that they had exited the planet’s gravity pull.

_“Textbook,”_ Joker chuckled over the intercom – more out of habit than actual relief.

Though the crew aboard the Normandy was glad to be on the move once more, everyone felt the tense atmosphere at not knowing _what_ they’d find, _who_ they’d find and in _what state_ they’d find it all. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, 
> 
> First off, thank you for taking the time to read my incoherent scribblings - I know that it's still very rough and leaves much to the imagination - which brings me to why I'm rambling at the end of this chapter:
> 
> If you feel that I am, in any way, not writing a character or a scene in a way that is fitting to their personality, as seen in-game, please DO NOT HESITATE to call me out on it! Write a quick comment, ask a question, share a thought or let your concern be heard! I will respond personally and even edit the story if needed.
> 
> I love feedback - keeps me on the right track! 
> 
> All my love,   
> *FenrirGreyback


	3. Anomaly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Normandy crew receives news from earth, though they may not want to hear it.

“What are you doing?” Liara asked Kaidan as she stopped mid-walk to find him at one of the course-plotters’ stations. 

“I’m... uh,” he was at a loss for words. “I want to see if -”

“If he’s contacted you yet?” She asked, crouching down and laying her hand on his shoulder. “We’re assuming that the extranet is still down, Kaidan-”

“Assuming,” he huffed, rubbing his eye out of irritation at the console’s limited processing speed. “I can’t not do anything – he wouldn’t be relaxing if our roles were reversed.” 

She squeezed his shoulder in reassurance. “Have you gotten any sleep since waking up?” 

He shook his head. “I think that I’m over sleeping for now – I roll around and close my eyes, but my mind is running at one million miles an hour. What’s more I think that I’m turning anorexic or something, since I’m not getting hungry so quickly anymore.”

“A major energy ebbing component has been effectively shut down inside your body – that’s why your hunger has decreased. As for the sleeping issue,” she paused, looking over her shoulder briefly. “I think that I have a solution.”

“I’m not taking any medication,” he warned as she helped him back onto the walkway that led from the cockpit to the CIC. 

“I don’t remember saying anything about medication,” she chuckled as they reached the elevator. “Trainor,” she addressed the woman who was typing away at some report. “Please grant Major Alenko access to the Captain’s Cabin.” 

Trainor looked like she might’ve had something to say about the request, but she simply nodded when Liara indicated to Kaidan with a sad expression stuck to her face.   
“Of course,” 

The elevator slid open and Liara stepped inside – Kaidan, however, stayed frozen where he stood. 

“I can’t go up there, Liara,” he smiled politely, starting to turn around. 

“But you want to?” she asked, though it was more of a statement than a question. 

“Of course I want to, but the Alliance regulations clearly state that-” 

“I won’t tell them if you won’t,” she chuckled, clearly insisting. 

He smiled sadly. “That’s what he said after-”

She grabbed his arm and pulled him into the elevator, hit the button and stood rooted to the spot when the doors opened. The Captain’s Cabin waited as it always had, seeming untouched. 

“Get some sleep – I’ll come and get you if anything changes.” she smiled and pushed him gently out of the elevator. 

Kaidan stood in front of the door for what felt like hours. He knew that it was irrational to think that John was behind the door, busy with some form of strategic planning – that was impossible. On the other hand, though, seeing Tali and Garrus holding hands and touching each other as much as they had for the last couple of hours had certainly taken a toll on his emotional state. 

Finally, he activated the door’s interface and was scanned. The door slid open and he walked into the cabin slowly. 

His worst fear was that everything would’ve collapsed or broken upon impact – but the room seemed untouched, as far as he was concerned. 

He heard the door slide shut and went to sit down in front of John’s computer at his desk. 

He put his elbows on the table and folded his hands together – like he was performing some form of makeshift prayer. 

“Please, John,” he exhaled heavily and breathed in through his nose. Shepard’s scent was prominent and he felt the panic creep back into his chest. “Please be okay...”

*

“EDI, would you mind checking on Major Alenko in the Captain’s Cabin?” Liara said after about thirty minutes. 

“One moment,” EDI replied. After a short pause, her interface blinked to life in the middle of the mess hall table. “Major Alenko seems to be asleep. My diagnostics have shown that his physical stress levels are returning to a more regular state.”

“Good,” Liara smiled. “Thank you for telling me about his problem.” 

“It was my pleasure. Would that be all, Dr T’Soni?” 

“Actually, EDI,” Liara crossed her legs, suddenly inspired. “Would you mind monitoring incoming news regarding John Shepard?” 

“Any particular subject I should be searching for?” EDI asked. 

“His current status, emails regarding Major Alenko -” Liara trailed off, waiting for EDI to tell her that there were more pressing matters at hand. “Anything really.”

“Of course; I will keep you posted, Dr T’Soni.” 

“Thank you, EDI.” 

“Logging you out.” 

*

Kaidan slept deeply, even if only for a few hours.

His dreams were nonsensical – full of people speaking terms that made absolutely no sense at all; though for some reason he replied with sentences that seemed to make about the same amount of sense at the time. 

He regained consciousness long before he opened his eyes and listened to the sounds around him. 

The far-off bubbling caused by the fish tank by the Cabin’s door, the familiar hum of the Normandy’s engines and drive core working in harmony and even the grinding of the elevator being used could be faintly heard from where he was laying on the bed. 

He exhaled heavily, marvelling at how heavy his chest felt on his lungs, and stretched his arms above his head, wincing when one of his vertebrae popped painfully. 

“I need to get up,” he whined – pushing the bedcover off of himself with his bare feet. 

He opened his eyes slightly, a little rattled by the lack of lighting in the room. 

“Lights medium,” he said and the room dimmed into focus. 

With another sigh he pulled himself into a sitting position and then after a few seconds he was walking to where he’d stripped off his shirt, pants and boots. 

After he’d donned his clothing, he decided that he’d try to get his omni-tool back to its functional state. 

He rubbed his eyes and shook his head – it felt wrong to be in his room; sleeping in the bed on the pillows that smelt exactly like his aftershave, even contemplating the possibility of not leaving the room –

*

The elevator slid open and he walked straight to the med bay. 

“- could also be attributed to what the crew have dubbed ‘the EMP’. Further analysis indicates that the Quarian suit, however impractical, received minimal damage -”

“Dr Chakwas?” Kaidan said tentatively. “Are you busy? I could come back later-”

Karin hit the pause button on the recording device of her Omni-tool. “Of course not, Major.” She smiled kindly. “How may I be of service?” she turned her chair to face him. 

“I’ve been having... well, you see, the thing is...” he stumbled over his words. “I can’t sleep.” he blurted out loudly, looking up at the roof to try and hide his embarrassment. 

She nodded her head slowly. “I was under the impression that Liara’s idea had worked?” she stated, raising her eyebrows. 

He exhaled. “It did -” he swallowed. “It was like I was with him in there -”

She smiled sadly. “Is it guilt?”

“Why would I be feeling guilty?” 

She shrugged, standing up from her chair and walking over to her medicine cabinet. “Maybe you feel that you could’ve saved him if you insisted on him coming with us-”

“He wouldn’t have come with us even if his life depended-” he almost choked on the word. “I don’t feel guilty.” 

Dr Chakwas closed the cabinet and read the bottle’s label. “Worry, then?” 

He felt his bottom lip quiver. “We just found each other -” He felt her hand on his forearm and he cleared his throat. “I’ve never felt anything like this, Doctor.” 

“Now you listen here,” she said, her voice sounding hoarse and a little fragile. When he looked her in the eyes he saw that they, too, were filling up with tears. 

“Everything he does – everything he’s ever done – has been for the greater good,” she nodded as she said it, willing Kaidan to understand. “If there is some higher power – any at all – John will be alright, he deserves to be. Now what you need to do is take one of these anti-anxiety meds once every 48 hours – and rebuild your strength. Jeff has informed us that we’ll be travelling towards earth for at least two more weeks unassisted. I will be monitoring your use, and will cut you off if you seem to have a problem with them.”

“Two weeks?” Kaidan echoed in disbelief. “At FTL speed?” 

She shrugged. “FTL drive was damaged beyond repair – without another ship’s assistance, the Normandy is nothing more than a very large sky-car.” 

“Two weeks,” he said and his torso sagged. “I’m going to go insane.” 

“Nonsense,” Karin chuckled. “I have the latest in anti-psychotics medication at the ready.” 

“Too soon for jokes, Doc,” Kaidan said, smiling a small smile in spite of himself. 

She laid her hand gently on his thigh. “The pills will help with your sleeping issues – how you choose to cope during your waking hours is up to you.” 

He nodded. 

“How are your implants holding up?” 

Now that he thought about it – he’d not even thought about it the last few days. 

“As if it isn’t even there,” he replied honestly. “Come to think of it I haven’t had a very large appetite lately.”

She nodded; Liara had spoken to her about this. “Let me know immediately if that changes.” 

And with that, their impromptu therapy session was over, and he was making his way to the cargo bay to – well – honestly, the hum of the engines were loudest down there and he could drown out his thinking for a few minutes. Or hours.

*

Agony. 

No amount of adrenaline could surpass what he was feeling.

Every rational thought was forced into the back of his head, whilst the pain drowned out everything else. 

Agony.

*

A week later, the Normandy’s crew, however a little stir-crazy, seemed to be coping with their situation adequately. 

Adequately. 

EDI had been constantly referring to the Normandy as ‘adequate’ since she’d rebooted. 

Joker had overcome his need to be ignored and frequently talked to her – he seemed happy, though his heart ached every time that he thought of the woman he’d lost. Like any child, EDI kept evolving – this was mostly due to the fact that she was no longer shackled and recorded every single move of the crew with unnerving accuracy. 

Joker couldn’t help but feel that she wasn’t exactly the same as she’d been before the crash. Secretly, he attributed that to the fact that Shepard was no longer onboard. EDI had spent a lot of time with John before the EMP, and it seemed that that was a major building block of the magnificent being she was – or had been, though the use of tense differed depending on whom you asked. 

“Jeff,” EDI suddenly jostled him from his thoughts. 

“What’s up?” he replied. 

“I am receiving a signal from what seems to be a makeshift comm-station – should I -”

“Yes! Yes of course!” he exclaimed. “Call Liara – and EDI -,” he paused. 

“Major Alenko is to be kept out of the loop, I presume?” she prompted, and he imagined her rolling her eyes. This had become standard procedure when any news from earth came through – the information was always thoroughly examined and later passed onto Kaidan when it was a certainty that no mention of Shepard was present.

Joker sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “As usual, yes.” 

A few minutes later and Liara was standing with her arms crossed beside him. 

“Play it, EDI,” Jeff said. 

“Buffering,” she replied. 

“Uh – okay?” 

“This is a message from the Alliance – the Sol system is being used as triage. All ships: divert to Earth.” 

A minute of silence followed. The message had been retrieved from a nearby comm-buoy.

“We’re months away from Earth, Joker,” Liara said and her shoulders sagged. 

“I know,” he said and swallowed audibly. 

“May I propose an alternative plan of action?” EDI politely interjected. 

“By all means,” Joker said, though he was already preparing a message to the course plotters.

“We are less than two hours away from a cruiser not dissimilar to the Normandy’s configuration and size,” she declared. “Though the loss of pressure due to inadequate shielding led to ship-wide eradication of life, their FTL drive seems largely intact.” 

“We won’t be able to acquire the required drivers to use it safely – it’s not an option.” Joker shot back, referring to the extranet that had still not been restored. 

“We have excellent coders aboard the ship, Joker,” Liara said whilst nodding. “We could code our own drivers, theoretically.” 

“Should I plot a course, Jeff?” EDI asked. 

“Inform the team,” Joker nodded. “We’ll have to see if there are any survivors first.” 

A moment of silence followed his order. 

“EDI, did you hear me?” he asked.

“The team is assembling on the crew deck,” she answered and Liara nodded. When the door to the cockpit closed, Joker was alone. 

EDI’s interface blinked into life. 

“Jeff, may I ask your opinion on something?” 

“Shoot,” 

“When you suggested a rescue party, I felt the urge to suggest that it would be preferable to retrieve only the FTL drive due to the time it would consume to search the entire ship,” she said. “My core programming should have resulted in me doing so – but I’ve detected and anomaly in some subtexts of my coding.” 

“Do you have a virus or something?” he asked, suddenly concerned. 

“On the contrary – I’ve run multiple antivirus sweeps, and none of them reported anything malicious. It seems that a sentient being has altered my programming manually.” 

“Ah,” Joker said, not knowing what to say. “Was there a question in there somewhere?” 

“The changes are not substantial, but they do somehow completely alter the way that I perceive data,” she stated. Joker let her talk, enjoying the sound of her voice in the usually quiet cockpit. “Was I persuaded to alter my own code, Jeff?” 

“As far as I know, EDI,” Joker said, massaging his stiff neck with one hand. “After you were unshackled, you started to find Shepard’s behaviour odd. The two of you spent some time talking together when we were travelling or docked somewhere, and I’m guessing that some of his personality rubbed off on you – metaphorically speaking.” 

She was quiet again. 

“My memory drives were severely damaged – but your hypothesis poses the most probable explanation,” she stated again, pausing as if she were contemplating something. “Your behaviour is not dissimilar to the altered code, Jeff.”

Jeff chuckled. “Yeah, I guess Shepard rubbed off on me, too.”


	4. Online

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Normandy SR2 crew undergo a buffet of changes, some easier to digest than others.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd love to hear your thoughts, please comment or ask me if anything is unclear!

“There is no way in hell I’m staying on this ship!” Kaidan erupted, shaking with rage. 

For the past ten minutes, Liara, Tali and Garrus had been trying to convince him that he was in no state go spacewalking. 

“What if you’re attacked?” he shot at the trio, who were still refusing to allow him to get to his armour locker. 

“Quite frankly I find it insulting that you think that we’re unable to handle ourselves,” Liara shot back, crossing her arms tightly over her chest. “You are not going, Kaidan.” 

“I am the ranking officer -” Kaidan shot back, hating his voice for quivering. 

“You’ve been deemed unfit for duty, Major,” James said as he shrugged into the elevator. “Dr Chakwas just signed the forms.” 

“The FTL drive is completely ruined – yet somehow there are still forms to declare someone unfit for duty?” Tali asked incredulously. “Bureaucracy strikes again.”

“Go figure,” Garrus chuckled, stepping forward to put his hand on Kaidan’s shoulder. “Kaidan – I know that the confinement is driving you insane, but having you out in the field when your mind is elsewhere is downright irresponsible. Would Shepard let you go?”

Kaidan’s shoulders sagged and he shook his head, looking at his feet. Garrus felt the sting of his words in the slight stiffening of each of the crewmembers present, but kept a straight face.

“We’ll keep you patched in,” Liara promised, securing her mask over her mouth. “But right now you need to stay out of the line of fire.” 

“Fine, whatever,” Kaidan snapped, syncing his earpiece to the required channel and removing his hand from the sensor that had been keeping the elevator doors open. “Be careful.” 

*

“Split off into two teams,” James ordered, signalling Garrus to follow him. “Liara, you and Tali search the lower deck for the FTL drive. Remember that any survivors take first priority.” 

“Be careful down there,” Garrus nodded at Tali and she returned the gesture, checking her mag just in case. 

“Keep radio contact at all times,” Liara said calmly, stretching her neck. “We’ll meet back here in an hour.” 

“Let’s move, people,” James chuckled as the airlock opened and they lost gravity. Their magnet boots kept them level.

Liara and Tali made short work of the stairs, both pretending not to notice the cold bodies drifting by as they progressed to where EDI had determined the FTL core would be. 

“We’re seeing a lot of corpses over here,” Garrus radioed, breaking the eerie silence. 

“Given the extent of the damage, it seems unlikely that you will encounter any survivors,” EDI added in a subdued tone. 

“We’re outside of the ship’s drive core,” Tali informed the team. “Manually opening the door now.”

“Any signs of life yet?” James asked, though none of the crew expected a positive answer. 

“None,” Tali said sombrely, grunting as she and Liara forced the doors to open. 

Once the door was opened, Liara was pleased to see that the drive core room was left untouched by the damage. She and Tali set to work locating and extracting the FTL drive, quite thankful for the weightlessness. 

“We’ve been through the upper decks. No survivors,” James reported. “Heading out.” 

“We’ll meet you aboard the Normandy,” Liara replied. “Tali is mining the ship’s hard drives for any useful information on the FTL drivers.” 

*

“It was completely uneventful,” Joker sighed, which only infuriated Kaidan more. 

“I know! I could’ve gone with them!” 

“Kaidan,” Liara said, just entering the cockpit. “There were more of us than necessary as it was – and now you can assist in installing the FTL drive.” 

“I guess,” Kaidan replied, shaking his head. “I’ll head down to engineering.” 

Liara nodded. Once the door shut behind him, she turned towards the main display, no longer shocked at the abundance of flashing warning lights that Joker had disabled the alarm to. 

“We have the FTL drive,” Joker said, seemingly thinking the same thing that she was. “Now the bigger question remains -”

“Will the ship be able to jump without breaking apart?” Liara finished for him.

*

“EDI we need a list of requirements for the Normandy to be able to travel at faster than light speed,” Engineer Adams grunted as he tightened one of the supports on the donated FTL drive. 

“I have already compiled a list of the critically damaged areas that are of concern,” EDI replied. “The only other requisite is the ship’s shielding and kinetic barriers which were damaged in the crash landing.” 

“Damn it,” Tali cussed, stopping the pacing she had started when Donnelly insisted on doing the manual labour. “Those shields were custom-made – I don’t know if we’ll be able to fix them ourselves.” 

“Weren’t you part of the installation process?” Garrus asked, speaking for the first time. 

“Yes – but upgrading and practically rebuilding are two completely different things,” she rambled, twisting her hands. “Now we have to alter the FTL drive so that our mass effect engine doesn’t implode – add shielding to the mix-”

“Technically, should the Normandy be structurally sound, the ship wouldn’t need any shielding -” EDI supplied. “Jeff should be able to manoeuvre around any possible impacts.” 

Tali, Garrus and Engineer Adams sat, staring at each other in turn. None of them could think of an alternative plan – which led to the silence due to the fact that none of them wanted to utter the fact. 

“Sitting around isn’t going to help the problem,” Garrus said, grunting as he stood up from what was once an interface. “Neither is clawing each other’s eyes out.” 

Tali sighed heavily, shaking her head. “I’m sorry; I used to have daily contact with the fleet – this radio-silence is killing me.”

“If your suit was able to survive the EMP-”

“That’s not what I’m worried about,” she snapped. 

Engineer Adams had seen it best to make some excuse of being needed elsewhere, leaving Tali and Garrus alone with the constant laboured humming of the Normandy’s core. Garrus was quiet, his eyes following the pacing that Tali had resumed. 

“EDI’s memory circuits were mostly fried,” she said, almost whimpering. “The Geth are alone with my people – who knows how they’ve reacted after recovery.”

“Would the Geth have rebooted?” Garrus asked softly, not quite sure how to handle the situation. “I mean they are synthetics, after all.” 

“Their design was largely tailored to resemble our suits’ technology,” Tali replied slowly, crossing her arms. “Our suits’ ability to adapt against infection and disease were designed with power-failure in mind.” 

“So you’re saying they could have recovered themselves?” 

“If I may interrupt, Tali,” EDI cut in suddenly, sounding sheepish. “Bear in mind that my memory circuits were in much closer proximity to the EMP than the Geth’s off-site servers – which I believe would have spared them any circuitry damage.”

“I’ve thought about that too, EDI,” Tali replied softly. “Though without any comms, we’re all left guessing.” 

*

Liara walked briskly through the doors of the med bay – which had been converted into a make-shift base of operations, due to the fact that most of the CIC was unusable, excluding the path they had made towards the cockpit. 

“Karin!” she called, shaking her head when she saw the doctor examining the bandages on Kaidan’s leg. “What’s wrong?” 

“Just a check up,” Kaidan answered. He was reclined on a medical bed resting on his elbows while the good doctor bandaged the wound she had deemed in good condition. “No need to worry. Any news on whether or not engineering have gotten the FTL back into working order?” 

“Tali had some trouble with the shielding, but I assume that she and engineer Adams are working around the problem,” she replied, crossing her arms. “We should be seeing results soon enough.”

“Now – the cut is healing well enough,” Karin said, straightening up to write on what Liara recognised as Kaidan’s medical charts. “Keep the strain on it minimal, and you’ll be back to running around in no time.” 

“Thanks, doc.” Kaidan smiled. The crew had gotten used to the rest of his face not showing any sign of the smile his mouth was trying to convey, though Liara still felt a pang of worry if the worst of her fears were to be realised. Not only for her – but the human that was barely keeping himself together in front of her. 

It was a few minutes after Kaidan had gone back up to the captain’s cabin when Liara realised that she had been staring at the same spot without moving for a while now. 

She cleared her throat and rolled her shoulders, making her way over to Dr Chakwas’ desk. 

“He’s healing physically,” Karin said shortly, answering the question she knew was coming. “Though he doesn’t speak half as much as he used to.” 

“Is he sleeping?” 

“The dark shadows around his eyes tell me that he's lying,” Karin sighed. “He’s refusing to take any more medication.” 

“If only we could get some sliver of information from earth,” Liara wistfully sighed. “I’m not used to feeling so cut off from the universe.” 

Karin took the glasses she was wearing from her eyes and set them down on the stack of medical journals in front of her. “In my time spent with John Shepard, I’ve come to learn a great deal about hoping, Liara.” 

“The man promised to never let any of us down,” she murmured. “Is it wrong to hope that he hasn’t broken that promise?” 

Karin folded her arms and stared at her feet. “I think that that would be a very unrealistic hope, Liara,” she answered softly. To her surprise, Liara didn’t react at all the way that she had expected. 

Instead of becoming angry and storming out, the Asari simply nodded and took a deep breath. “I know – but we’ll cling to the notion nonetheless.” 

*

Installing the FTL drive proved to be as challenging as the engineers of the Normandy SR2 had anticipated, though it only took fourteen ship-days for engineering to sign off on the drive and its capabilities. 

Tali, with the aid of mostly Garrus, had overcome her nervousness and set to work repairing the Normandy’s shielding as best she could. Though the ship would not last long in a fire fight, EDI deemed herself fit for Faster Than Light travel. 

Though Tali and the ship’s engineering team worked through every waking hour on the rest of EDI’s critical list, they seemed to be making minimal progress. As could be expected, the crew was growing antsy. 

Joker had been quiet for extended periods of time, and had told EDI to not bother him in the cockpit unless the ship was under attack or, alternatively, when dinner was ready. 

Kaidan was extremely helpful, even sitting silently by Tali’s side and handed her the tools that she needed silently as she asked for them. When Tali was not working, he was always busy cleaning somewhere or fixing some sort of basic tech – never going up to the captain’s cabin anymore. 

Dr Chakwas’ frustration seemed tangible every time that she saw him ghosting around, his hair never neat and his eyes always bloodshot. “He’s not taking the sleeping pills,” she said disapprovingly to Tali one evening at dinner. “He needs to sleep.”

“We all do, Karin,” Tali said quietly. “But not all of us can handle nightmares very well.”

Liara and Garrus started some repairs on the Normandy’s main battery, though she had quickly given up trying to help someone that clearly did not trust her with his guns. 

James spent his time clearing debris out of pathways and rooms alongside the crew, and took great pride in being able to get to his pull-up bar down in the cargo bay. 

“The data on the old ship’s drives was very basic,” Tali murmured to EDI one evening after days of inputting code. “We’ll be working for weeks to get you back up to speed.”

“My processing speed was crippled after the EMP, Tali,” EDI replied. “But the upgrades that are being inputted into my framework is already adapting and fixing various errors by itself. I am healing.”

Tali smiled, exhaling slowly. “Call me crazy, but I don’t think that we’re ever going to heal completely.” 

“I am receiving a signal.” 

“Yes, it’s called severe depression,” Tali chuckled. 

“I am connecting to the extranet,” EDI continued as if she had not heard Tali speaking. “Verifying Alliance username and passcode. Failed. Retrying.” 

“It’s back up?” Tali said in a daze “The extranet is back up?” 

“It appears that my universal connectivity has been misconfigured,” EDI mused. “Running diagnostics.”

“Your conversational skills have certainly taken a turn for the worst,” Tali joked, glancing down at where her omni-tool used to appear when she needed it to. “If we could download the required code -”

“Rectifying connectivity error,” EDI mused. “Complete. Connecting. Ship wide access activated.” 

“EDI – download the required drivers.” Tali chirped, going into engineer mode. “Our omni-tools need some work, but the data-pads should give get the crew back up to speed.”  
“The download will take approximately thirty minutes, Tali,” EDI said. “My healing process has been accelerated exponentially.”

“EDI,” Joker sounded over the intercom. “Comms seem to be malfunctioning again – run the diagnostics.” 

“The comm channels are at optimum operating proficiency – there is no malfunction, Jeff.”

“You mean -”

“Yes. We are back online.”


	5. Lament

The crew was slow to respond to the restoration of the extranet access.

They had been detoxed from the technology forcibly for the past month or so – and they had seemed to forget how much they relied on it before the EMP.

Garrus and Tali were eager to get in contact with their people, and were soon consumed with the battery of information they had received from both Palaven and Rannoch respectively.

Karin was ecstatic – she was able to access her medical database once more, and was soon reading up about the various cybernetic enhancements that had been fried by the EMP. Kaidan’s L2, it seemed, would never again function as potently as it had before, but he’d at least be able to access his biotic abilities.

Liara fell easily back into her patterns, working on three data-pads at once, trying to restore the resources she would need to continue on as the information broker.

Tali watched her with curiosity as she missioned her way through the ship, a data-pad in each hand and one under each arm. She thus wasn’t shocked when she saw the Asari stumble and drop down to her knees whilst on her way to the med bay one evening.

“Liara!” Tali chuckled, jogging over.

Liara’s eyes were fixed in front of her as she handed the data-pad to Tali. “H-he’s,”

“Hey are you alright, Liara?” Kaidan asked in an emotionless tone, something the crew was used to now. “Liara?” he asked again when she didn’t respond.

Tali didn’t need to investigate too hard, and pretty soon, she felt herself hyperventilating – her suit shouting at her to calm down, thinking that she was in danger.

“Tali, what is it? Is the extranet down again?” Kaidan asked. By now the entire deck was eyeing the trio and Karin was rushing towards Liara who shrugged her hand off.

Kaidan snatched the pad from Tali and swiped down to check the connectivity, which was fine. Only when he dismissed the menu, did he see what the reactions were about.

You know that feeling when you lose your footing in the shower because, against your better judgement, you didn’t rinse the soap from under your feet after you’d scrubbed them? You know the one I’m talking about – that ‘Oh shit, I’m going to die and I should’ve known better’ feeling?

Kaidan Alenko felt his feet slipping out from under him, a feeling akin to the one he’d had the minute he’d last talked to John Shepard.

_No matter what happens... Know that I love you. Always._

“He’s uh,” Tali’s voice broke. “Kaidan – I’m so s-”

Kaidan’s hands were shaking so badly that he dropped the data-pad, the headline a basic bold print. As he read it, he felt the world dropping from beneath his feet.

_Galaxy mourns the loss of its only true paragon_.

John Shepard’s death had been declared a week earlier, when the Normandy crew was still struggling to get back onto its feet.

_We have found what we believe to be the remains of Commander John Shepard, who lost his life opposing our galactic enemy, the Reapers. Our condolences to his family and loved ones – he will be missed._

Liara’s ears were ringing – John was dead.

“No,” Kaidan said, shaking his head. He felt a migraine coming on – and his hands shot to his chest to see where the sudden bullet impact had come from. He shuffled them around, blinking through the tears that were misting up his eyes.

“Shit,” James huffed as he ran forward to support a crumbling Kaidan. “Kaidan! What the fuck!?”

“He’s dead.” Liara lamented, slumping against Karin whose eyes were shooting from crewmember to crewmember.

“Shepard is dead.” Tali said and she, too, fell to her knees.

The ship was quiet but for the agonised screams ripping their way out of Kaidan Alenko’s throat, stripping it raw and making his voice hoarse.

The incoherent lament that started as a mad repetition of ‘always’.

*

“John,” Kaidan chuckled, swatting away the prickly chin that was rubbing against his shoulder. “You have to shave sometime soon.”

John groaned and shifted his entire body against that of Kaidan’s. “I would – but then I’d have to get up.”

Kaidan sighed. “True. Prickly beard it is, then.”

John snorted, his eyes searching Kaidan’s face intently. “Why do you think we waited this long?”

“Well you kept me up until God knows what time -”

John chuckled. “I mean to get together, K.”

Kaidan sighed. “Military restrictions, suicide missions, end of our species – we were pretty busy.”

“Can I be honest with you?”

“Of course.”

John was quiet for a second, composing his thoughts. “I never imagined us together – before, you know?”

“Before Dr Ava almost killed me?”

“Even after that,” John chuckled. “I don’t know. Somehow I was content with just having you in my life, you know?”

Kaidan squinted. “What made you decide otherwise?”

“We were eating dinner on crew deck one night – and Liara was harassing me on my biotic technique,” John smiled fondly, lost in his memory. “And you made eye contact with me and smiled -”

He smiled, unaware of the blush creeping up Kaidan’s body to his cheeks.

“It wasn’t anything special,” John continued, “but I kind of realised that you kind of make me forget how to breathe – and somehow I finally figured out who I wanted you to be to me. To always have that smile and those eyes close.”

“John -”

“Shh, let me finish embarrassing myself,” John sighed. “I hated you for making me feel like I needed someone for the first time in my life – for making me notice couples holding hands, or kissing each other goodbye. I didn’t want to have a weakness.”

They were quiet for a minute before Kaidan huffed. “I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt on the ‘weakness’ thing.”

John chuckled, kissing Kaidan’s shoulder. “You are by no means weak, don’t get me wrong. I just -” he paused, frowning. “I don’t want to have to worry about what I’d do if you were really gone. I’m nowhere close to being strong enough to lose _this_.”

Kaidan scooted out from under him, and faced him at eye level. “I am more than intent on making _this_ last for as long as my life can possibly permit it,” he kissed John softly on the lips. “We’re in this for the long haul, Commander.”

*

Kaidan woke up, his cheeks streaked with dried tears. His movements were sluggish and his eyes were heavy as lead.

_He’s gone._

Tranquilisers were the only thing that kept him still. The tenderness on the side of his neck and the hand shaped bruises on his biceps from where James had restrained him were a testament of how volatile he was after hearing about – a wave of nausea hit him as soon as the thought drifted lazily through him.

_He’s gone._

After heaving over the side of his bed, he realised that his stomach had nothing else to produce. He was violently ill – something he would’ve felt guilty about – before succumbing to sleep. The little he’d been eating was long since gone from the room he was in. He’d thank whoever that was sometime.

_He’s gone._

He realised that he was curled up on a cot in the cargo bay – he could hear James snoring a few feet away. When he focused on the sound, the humming of the ship suddenly came into focus, as if he were taking plugs out of his ears bit by bit.

_He’s gone._

Come to think of it, he could hear another source of breathing – on closer inspection, he saw that Liara was sat at the foot of his bed, her head drooped sideways. She, too, was still asleep. He was surprised that his pained coughing after trying to vomit hadn’t woken her up.

_He’s gone._

His bottom lip quivered and a traitorous tear fell onto his pillow. He was thirsty, but he couldn’t persuade his body to reach out to the glass of water by his cot.

_He’s gone._

*

To say that there was a dip in morale on the Normandy would be the understatement of the century.

Where there was once pent up energy and nervous shuffling, there was now painful silence and forced niceties between whoever you came across on your way somewhere.

Liara and James were seldom seen, as they were in the cargo bay with Kaidan, trying to get him to eat or drink – or move.

Tali and Garrus became the driving force behind the Normandy’s crew – only allowing themselves brief periods together, as that allowed them to feel sad, which in turn made them miserable.

Joker was silent – a trait EDI soon adopted, though she was constantly updating the list of things wrong with the ship itself. Their proximity to the Sol system was the only update Joker reacted to, though it was through grunts and nods, mostly.

The plaque with Shepard’s name on the memorial wall was never left alone – a member of the crew could always be found staring at it – sometimes wiping away a tear, sometimes smiling wistfully.

_He’s gone_. The phrase was etched into every atom aboard the ship. A dark cloud where there once was hope and strength. _John Shepard is dead._


End file.
